For many men, this moment in time feels both liberating and unsettling. They are learning to shed rigid gender roles within relationships even as society continues to judge them by an outdated set of metrics: the pay cheque, job title, and the ability to ‘provide’.

While some groups view the man as provider and the woman as homemaker, many men across age groups say they no longer see themselves in that framework. In a culture shaped by patriarchy but nudged increasingly towards equality, the contradictions are hard to ignore.

So how are men making sense of this evolving landscape?

Anoop Kunhiraman, 35, a former banking and insurance professional, took on the role of traditional breadwinner during the early days of his marriage in 2019, when his wife was studying for a teacher’s training course and was financially dependent on him. But he says he never felt it was a ‘burden’.

“The only time I felt any pressure was during the pandemic when my salary got cut. But that too was a learning experience, as in the process I learnt how to manage expectations. And most importantly, learnt to say ‘no’,” he recalls.

Today, his family has grown: he is the father of a one-year-old daughter, and his wife, Sneha, works as a teacher. The couple now happily challenge gender roles, with Anoop taking a break from his career this July to pursue his passion, which blends the performing arts and technology.

Coming to such a decision, he says, required some unlearning, but it was made easier by his wife’s support. “She backed me. We just had to make sure that she would be able to handle the financial responsibilities, as the sole earning member of the family, considering the pay gap,” he says.

As for how others reacted, he adds, “There were people who were taken aback, but that is their headache, not mine.”

But is it more difficult for unmarried men to shift from high-paying careers to lesser-paying jobs that align more with their life goals? It appears so.

Take Rohith Raman (name changed), for instance, who left his six-figure corporate job to pursue a career as a freelance writer. “One of the biggest concerns people had now was who would marry me. But these same people would have been okay with a woman leaving her high-paying job for a teaching job. Not because they are supportive of her career, but because they are okay with women getting paid less,” he says.

Thirty-four-year-old RJ Adarsh Anoop, also known as Rythom, shares a slightly different experience. From being a young man fresh out of college, feeling the pressure to find a high-paying job and watching friends buy cars or go abroad for better opportunities, he has transformed into someone far more at ease.

“My wife has always been ahead of me in her career, as she is older than me. But that didn’t bring any differences between us. Today, we both share our financial responsibilities,” he says.

Another cultural aspect many men have to navigate is the question of chivalry. When is it welcome? When is it outdated? Adarsh believes chivalry can never go out of style. “To me, it is the true mark of a man,” he says. “My wife has to take care of our younger one constantly, and there are some situations where I cannot step in. She also has to deal with a lot of unseen burdens. The least I can do is carry all the bags,” he says.

But unwanted chivalry can be a problem. Recently, actor R Madhavan also expressed confusion about chivalry becoming an outdated concept. Gestures like opening the door, he noted, might be considered offensive these days. Chivalry, he added, has been “redefined” and men have to learn the “new ways”.  

Psychiatrist Arun B Nair says men in their forties and below have evolved with time. “The confusion, be it the reluctance to accept change or learn and unlearn, persists mainly among the older generation,” he adds.

Basic behaviour in professional and social spaces — how to behave in the office, how to talk to women — has become a muddied area for some men. For instance, unless there is mutually comfortable rapport, complimenting women on their appearance or attire could be viewed as offensive. And men are going through the unlearn-and-learn process.

“Some are learning it the hard way,” Dr Arun says with a smile. “As the world changes faster than ever, the concept of what a man is also constantly evolving.”

According to him, until recent times, toxic masculinity often defined men. “Patriarchy assigned such roles to men. They couldn’t ask for support or help, they couldn’t be emotional or appear weak. That is why many call patriarchy a double-edged sword. Now, it is changing,” says Dr Arun.

“Men can now show weakness, seek support from their friends, partner, parents or counsellors. Their role in daily household matters is more present — they can manage the kitchen and take care of the kids. Men are also becoming empowered just like women. An empowered man is aware of his own limitations and seeks support to overcome them.”

He recalls a couple who came to him for counselling a few months ago. It was an arranged marriage, and both were IT engineers. Both came from rural areas — the man from a conservative family, and the woman empowered and aware of her rights.

“He believed in controlling her, something he learnt from his parents. The woman was okay initially. The issue became bigger when he insisted she take care of the home completely while also working. Even if she had a night shift, he expected her to finish kitchen work.”

When things deteriorated, they were referred to counselling. “Now, after six months, they are doing better. He is unlearning and learning how to be a partner in its true sense,” says Dr Arun.

Behind all of this lie traditional gender roles that took root when nomadic tribes began adopting the idea of private property, says sociologist Bushra Begum.

“Till then, there was equality and shared responsibilities among men and women. It is when men decided that they needed their own ‘properties’ like family, woman and land that this trouble started,” she says.

“The little change that we do see has been brought about through social media and the third wave of feminism.”
It was during this period, as women entered the workforce in large numbers, that society began to recognise that they too could bear the same economic burden as men. That was a turning point.

Novelist T D Ramakrishnan sees this as a welcome shift. “I grew up in a time when fathers were the sole earning members of the family. It is good to see men become comfortable with changing gender dynamics,” he says.

He adds that if he had the same opportunities earlier, he wouldn’t have had to wait until his fifties to pursue what he truly wanted — writing. “I see a transition in my children’s generation,” he says.

“Both my son and daughter are working, they both have equal responsibilities and challenges in life. There is no point in seeing them differently. I think it is of great relief to men as well.”

Inputs by Krishna P S